Supporting Men in Shame

A close friend recently asked me how she can best support men struggling with shame.

I'll share from my own journey of healing shame as a man. I don't know if this is true for every man, but it's been true for me.

First of all — it's not your responsibility and it's not your "job" to support men on their journey of healing shame.

Second — the more support the better. That means friends, men's circles, and community — not just the two of you holding it all.

And — if it feels right to support the man or men in your life this way, it's a beautiful thing to offer. But he has to understand that this is his work, and be ready and willing to take the steps, because ultimately only he can heal his internalized shame and create a new story for himself.

Jasmine has been critical in helping me process and release my shame. My self-worth was tied to achievement — earning, success, and status — and cultural norms about how men are expected to show up. That includes in work, in family, and with other men.

Some of the things I believed about myself included:

"If I'm not working/making money/succeeding, I'm a piece of shit."

"If I am attracted to other women, I'm an awful partner."

"I'm not worthy of being loved."

"If he/she/they knew my inner nature, they'd hate me."

"I need to keep my inner world secret, or I'll be rejected."

"I am not worthy of having what I want."

"I am not allowed to have what I want."

"I need to prove that I am worthy."

"I need to prove that I am strong."

"Showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness."

Overcoming these beliefs took 18 months of committed work. There were many times during that period that I fell into despair, sometimes crying, sometimes numb, sometimes feeling new personal power. Sometimes I would cycle through all three in an hour. Sometimes I'd stay in grief or pain for weeks on end, stuck in my pain.

I worked with a coach and several great resources — Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life being pivotal, as well as various teachers online. The single most important thing I did was learn to love myself unconditionally — which sounds simple, but was difficult for me at first.

I had to reconcile all of the things in my life that I felt guilt for. The things I felt the most shame around — like causing hurt in relationships, failing out of university, or self-harming through addictive patterns — required self-forgiveness, and an understanding that I was doing the best I knew how with everything I had been taught by culture, my family, and my life circumstances.

I often felt I was a victim of circumstances and other people. I was working hard as a massage therapist and in a lot of pain. I was barely making ends meet even though I worked a lot. I was isolated and far from community and friends, and I felt my potential slipping away, with my gifts undeveloped, unexpressed, and unappreciated. In my mind, life was happening to me, and I was blaming others for the position I was in. It took time for me to understand that while others had a role, I had the final say over what those events meant, and whether or not they would dictate my self-worth and future direction. Coming to that realization was hard, because I took a twisted form of comfort in self-pity. I often got satisfaction from being right about all the ways my life could go — and had gone — wrong.

The Power of TED shone a light on this. It's a short read that lays out the victim/persecutor/rescuer dynamic that shows up in relationships of all types, romantic or otherwise. It showed me where I and others had unconsciously been playing those roles, and how I could choose differently — becoming a creator in my own life instead of a victim.

That book also names a common trap for the person supporting: the rescuer. One of the most powerful things Jasmine did was support me when she genuinely could and had the capacity to do so with energy and love — and to intentionally not support me when she didn't feel able to. It showed her that she didn't need to manage my experience, as she'd done for many other men in her life. It showed me that I could learn to hold these challenging things myself when she couldn't. And when things got too dark for me to see it, she held the vision of who I was trying to become.

The times I struggled with the most were the times that external support mattered the most. It was when I couldn't find love for myself, couldn't escape a deep sense of dread and shame — sometimes for weeks — that Jasmine's unconditional love showed up as a whisper that I was worthy, that I deserved love, that I deserved to love my life.

Time, love, and forgiveness were the cure. I know this sounds like feel-good bullshit, and I wrote it off as kitsch most of my life.

They sounded like bullshit because I thought complicated and expensive solutions were real, and simplicity sounded like kumbaya. We've all been sold on complicated, expensive solutions at one point or another. More books, more courses, more self-development, and more therapy. Yes, those are great, but what works consistently — what has the most value — is timeless and doesn't cost a dime, because it's something every human being knows how to do from instinct. We are all born able to take time, to love, and to forgive. You don't need an education, you don't need to say the right words, and you don't need to be rich.

It takes time and diligence though. How much is different for everybody, and when you're in the middle of it, it can feel like you're going through hell.

Unconditional love is a practice, not a state. People write it off as idealistic, but you can choose to love a little more unconditionally in any moment, and you don't have to be good at it. Even when you don't have the juice to love somebody else, you can love yourself — that still counts as unconditional love. The more you do it, the better you get at it. I'm convinced people like Jesus and Gandhi just practiced it more than others, and it flowed like water for them in time.

Forgiveness can't be rushed or forced. The hurt that's blocking it has to be known, expressed, and released first — and only then can we accept and forgive ourselves and others. In my experience, self-forgiveness required me to learn the lessons from my own painful actions. Each time I learned the lesson, forgiveness came on its own. The same was true for forgiveness of others when I'd been hurt. There were lessons to learn each time, but the fundamental lesson I eventually learned was that I don't have to hold on to a grudge over anything at all — because a grudge really only hurts me. These days I learn and remember faster, so I forgive sooner, and — more importantly — I can love myself or another as somebody who's learning in every moment, who doesn't need to be perfect, and who's worthy of love no matter what.

Forgiving somebody doesn't mean putting up with their bullshit, especially if they're unwilling to stop hurting you. It just means you get to put it down. Sometimes it's much better to unconditionally love somebody from far away instead of up close.

After 18 months of work, I didn't just get relief from shame that had been taught to me — and had never actually been true. I learned the capacity to hold my own challenging stories with love, to be vulnerable and share those stories with somebody who could help remind me of the love I deserved, and to live my life as a creator instead of a victim of circumstances.

So: what do men need from you?

Mostly, they need you to not do it for them. Don't put up with them projecting or deflecting, but if you can, do it with love and kindness, because deep inside, the shame is coming from a very tender, hurt place. Imagine a small child, crying in a corner because they believe they're ugly and broken — and how you might speak to that child. When you have the capacity, stay with him and remind him he's loved. When you don't, do what you need to do for yourself, and support when you genuinely want to again. If nothing else, just keep holding a picture of him that's more accurate than the one he's been holding up until now.

And honestly — if he's not willing to do this work, don't try to make him do it. He'll resist you. Don't try to do it for him either, because you'll create the victim-rescuer dynamic.

He needs to choose it. If all you do is encourage him to keep choosing it, that's enough.