How We Navigated Early Relationship Insecurities

Chris
Aug 1
5 min read

As we get close to unveiling our first workshop for couples, we got curious about what it was in the early days of our relationship that made things "work". Chris was painfully aware of his own insecurities at the time, and was struggling to keep them in check. Jasmine was also aware of Chris's insecurities 😉

One of the core themes we return to in our relationship, time and time again, is the theme of forgiveness and unconditional love. Another is upholding and honouring individual sovereignty. Yet another is a commitment to "doing the work" — the sometimes messy work of shining light on the shadow that threatens to wreak havoc in relationships if not acknowledged and worked with intentionally.

Because shadow work is often messy, it requires forgiveness. These two qualities are symbiotic and lead to growth — without one or both, no real growth is possible, and the relationship will stagnate.

Forgiveness and unconditional love do not mean tolerating abuse or excuses. They do not mean being "nice". Often, unconditional love requires stepping into an uncomfortable truth, or exerting effort to uphold a boundary. When it reflects authentic expression, that very discomfort becomes a point of deep connection, provided both partners are willing to invest in one another and the relationship.

It's worth inquiring: "Where do I let my insecurities drive the bus?"

And it's equally worth inquiring: "How can we move through this discomfort together?"

We decided to record our conversation to share authentically, and provided audio and a transcript of it below. We hope that you feel resonance with our story, and would love to hear from you if it sparks something in you.

Prefer to listen?

Jasmine's Perspective

Jasmine: Early on in our relationship, there were a few instances where insecurities came up, particularly around the presumption that I was off flirting with other people when I was actually just working or making connections with other people — even if they happened to be men. It wasn't in a flirtatious manner.

Insecurities were coming up, and in the past I would've met those insecurities with either taking it on as my own responsibility to fix, or deciding I just didn't want to deal with that and choosing not to engage so deeply in relationship.

However, when insecurities were coming up with you, while I did recognize that it would trigger me in those ways — either "how do I fix this?" or "how do I run away?" — I was choosing neither of those because a third option had become available. I was seeing you with more compassion than I had for others in the past, feeling a more unconditional love towards you.

I can reflect back now and notice that the love I had for other men in the past was conditional love. What made my love for you unconditional and made me want to show up and work through these things was how deeply honored I felt by you very early on.

Honored, revered, heard. I tuned into your patience and sensitivity. I really appreciated those qualities in you, and there was a very strong somatic attraction. I believe I once called you my "yoni charging port" — every time I hugged you, it was just zing. I felt charged.

Your willingness to be open with me very early on — expressive, patient, wanting to attune even if it takes work to get to that point where we are attuned, but wanting to show up differently. I think that's it.

Chris's Response

Chris: Babe, it's so heartwarming. I don't think I've ever known any of that. Such an honor to get to hear this story because we're working on this project.

Jasmine: Mm-hmm.

Chris: That's fucking cool. I was so painfully aware of my insecurities and I was trying so hard not to let them rule and influence our relationship. I was so aware that they were bleeding into our relationship, and with every ounce of strength I had, I was wrestling with them.

Every time they came up I was like, "I can't bring this to her — it's just gonna scare her away." It's one of the reasons I would so frequently affirm to you, "I want you to be free," because I knew my insecurities were showing, and I knew they'd scared off dozens of women before.

But this was the first time where every time any insecurity came up, I was like, "Okay, it's messy and it's bleeding out and Jasmine knows I'm insecure and it's gonna look like I'm trying to control her." And then I was really trying to make it so clear that that's not who I wanted to be and that's not how I wanted to show up. That I wanted you to be free and to have choice and sovereignty, even in the face of my insecurities.

I wonder if that was received that way.

Jasmine's Reflection

Jasmine: Yeah, I'm remembering this now. I'd kind of forgotten that piece, but the fact that you would speak to maintaining freedom — and it felt genuine — was really important. The fact that you were aware of your insecurities and you named them and you owned them, even though you were scared... I believe you brought my attention to the fact that you wanted to work on it. You know, "I don't wanna show up this way, but this is what's happening right now." You were just owning it and saying, "I'm working on this."

I think that was really helpful, that it wasn't just an insecurity that was brought up as a closed book — "I feel uncomfortable when you do X, therefore I want you to not do it." It was, "This makes me uncomfortable. I don't enjoy that. I'm working on shifting that, but I'm being open about it, and please remain free." All those steps really helped.

I didn't have to fix your insecurities because you were fixing your insecurities. I didn't have to change my behavior to try to meet you in your insecurities because you were still encouraging me to be free.

That being said, I think I did modify my behavior a bit in the beginning. I didn't know where to set my boundaries and was in a bit of a people-pleaser place where I was like, "Oh, but I could just make him feel less insecure if I avoid these activities or whatever." Which I would maybe approach differently now, but at the time, that was the best I knew how to do. I wasn't aware that I was sacrificing myself to show up in this way.

But the encouragement to remain free and the reassurance that you were working on this and I didn't have to fix it — that helped as well.